We lost you.
We lost our child.
Again and again
We ask ourselves
the same questions.
We lost you far too soon.
You were like a flower
not yet in full bloom.
We find ourselves thinking
it is not true.
But it really is true.
We lost you.
You are gone.
On the day of the funeral we will
say a heavy farewell.
Eyvind Skeie (Jølstad Funeral Home)
When the worst possible happens we ask many questions. What do we do now? Which practical matters must be arranged first? When do we do it?
Guardians
In the midst of grief over losing a child there are many practical matters that must be taken care of. We have to make several decisions about the funeral, and some of these decisions will influence the future. It is important to make one’s own decisions and to give oneself time to say farewell.
Financial matters
Section 7-2 in the National Insurance Act lays down the following with respect to funeral cost benefit: “When a contributor to the insurance scheme dies, a means-tested funeral benefit is granted up to an amount fixed by the Storting (Norwegian Parliament), (full funeral benefit). This benefit cannot exceed the actual costs of the funeral. In accordance with the first section the benefit is paid out without means testing if the deceased was under the age of 18. When a contributor has one or more stillbirths, benefit is paid to cover the necessary burial costs. The benefit cannot exceed the full funeral benefit.
(In 2009 full funeral benefit is NOK 18,744)
Some trade unions also pay benefits to their members.
Brothers and sisters and their grief
It is natural to involve brothers and sisters when they have lost a sibling. In the early days it is important for them, as far as possible, to understand what has happened. By giving direct, open and honest information and answering questions, misunderstandings and fantasies can be avoided. Children need different responses depending on their age and development.
Brothers and sisters can, for instance, be allowed an advance viewing of the funeral service room and perhaps the grave. You can also let them see the deceased in his/her coffin, be present when flowers are chosen or pick flowers for the coffin, put a flower in the coffin, make a drawing or write a letter to be placed in the coffin. It is also a good idea to go through the order of the funeral service with the child in advance. To be involved as much as possible will make it easier for child to understand.
Grandparents and grief
To be a surviving grandmother or grandfather means that your grief is double; you grieve for your grandchild and for your own child. To see your own child suffer and be unable to remove the pain is very difficult. Life experience and wisdom is somehow not enough when this – the very worst- happens to your own child.
One grandfather said: “I have made myself hide my feelings. I don’t think my daughter knows how I suffer for her. I don’t know how to tell her”.
(The text above comes from LUB).